Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
