This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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