Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
