What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
