She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
