Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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