My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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