Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize