Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
