We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize