I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
