Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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