Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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