I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
