Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
