woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
