What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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