i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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