i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
