Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
