We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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