I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
