and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
