Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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