life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
