Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
