Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
