My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
