Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
