How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
