I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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