Your tits are I can't wait for
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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