it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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