I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
