I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
