we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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