Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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