You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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