can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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