Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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