you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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