dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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