I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
bring money and cleavage
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
