You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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