I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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