I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
