The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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