The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
