thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
