i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
