hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
