i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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