your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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