Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
