I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
