I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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