I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
