Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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