Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize