FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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